Loose Ends

Extraordinary stories and conversations - all ORIGINAL!

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Loose Ends - Chapter 16

Post by ejaewon » Thu Dec 18, 2003 11:03 pm

“Freda?” he called out, his voice wavering with uncertainty. “Oh, Freda?” He wandered the halls, nervously looking hither and, indeed, thither. He resisted the temptation to wildly fling open every door, afraid, but yet at the same time curious as to what could lie behind them.

He reached the staircase and as he descended swiftly, he heard a groan and a whacking sound through an archway which appeared to be decorated with a substance that looked suspiciously like vomit. Taking care not to touch the sides, he gagged sternly and minced into a very large room. The hearth was stoked fully and burning brightly, filling the room with intoxicating warmth. In front of the fireplace, Jeeves sat cross-legged on the floor, and appeared to be peeling garlic, his eyebrows gesturing towards a very sour expression on his face the very sight of which would probably very nearly kill a small Tibetan yak.

Then he saw Freda. His heart jumped into his throat, did a wee dance, then returned to its original resting place, which incidentally, and completely unremarkably, was behind his ribs and slightly left of centre. There she was, as naked as the day she was born (he assumed the latter, having not been present at her birth), and appeared to be playing tetherball. With another groan and a whack, she sent the poor tennis ball for another trip around the pole, and at the same time her splendid chest bunnies flounced seemingly of their own volition.

“Freda… I…” he croaked, unable to form anything intelligible. “Ah, Frank. You only took a minute to get down here… Quite attached to that particular length of time aren’t we?” With startling symbolism, the once high flying tennis ball sagged and drooped to the ground, dangling lifeless from the string, thoroughly flaccid. Frank’s shoulders sagged in agreement and Jeeves tittered, and then sniggered.

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Loose Ends - Chapter 17

Post by rain » Mon Dec 22, 2003 3:40 pm

Jeeves snigger rapidly transformed itself into a chuckle, and then miraculously became a full-fledged guffaw. Tears rolled slowly down his cheeks, and Frank was in an agony of embarrassment.

"Jeeves, I think you'd better leave." Freda frowned neatly, her hands seeming to find an invisible paddle, with which she was invisibly thwacking Jeeves visible buttocks as he rose quivering from the floor.

"Very good, madam." he choked with difficulty through his laughter, pausing for a moment at the door in an attempt to regain some of his strength. Failing to regain strength or composure, he staggered drunkenly out of the room. The throaty chortles echoing down the labyrinth of corridors sounded uncannily like a gang of rabid kookaburras, and it was with a sigh of relief that Frank gently closed the door.

"Freda. You left in quite a hurry!" Frank said, with a desperate attempt at nonchalance. "You know, it's funny, sometimes I feel an urgent need to play tetherball too ..." his voice gradually petered out as he observed that Freda was watching him unsmilingly and intently.

"Perhaps you should just stick to detecting, Frank."

Frank panicked mentally, his chances with this buxom beauty seemed to be rapidly slipping away. Outwardly he maintained a cool, calm facade. "Shall we continue the tour then, Freda?"

"Fine." Freda marched bouncily toward the door, her fun-bags gripping Frank's eyeballs with tremendous force. "Follow me."

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Loose Ends - Chapter 18

Post by ejaewon » Tue Feb 17, 2004 5:18 pm

Frank followed Freda on what turned out to be a very thorough, although swift, tour of the rest of the mansion, so in a matter of a mere two hours they were virtually finished. Freda paused in front of a plain wooden door on the second floor, and turned to Frank. "This is the last room on our tour, Frank."

Frank peered closely at Freda, looking for an indication that this would mean a return to the abortive amorous activities of earlier, and was disappointed to read only seriousity. Frank swore mentally.

"If you can tear your eyes away from my knockers for one moment Frank - this is my brother's room."

Frank frowned gently, and began to examine the door. There appeared to be scratch marks from the base of the door, reaching almost to the height of his waist. He leaned back, removed his notepad from his pocket, and began to jot down notes: Scratches on door - possibly claw marks? Quite deep into surface. Freda cute when angry. No claw marks higher than 1 metre. He turned to Freda, "So, have you any idea what's made these marks? Was it your dog?"

At the mention of her lamented pet, Freda visibly stiffened, before steeling herself and replying, "It's my brother - if Jeeves accidentally closes the door fully, my brother will stand out here in the hallway clawing and shrieking until Jeeves lets him in."

"That sounds quite unpleasant, Freda!" Frank exclaimed, "Why doesn't he let himself in?"

"He can't grip the knob." Freda stated simply. "Sometimes have that problem myself!" Frank observed wryly, nodding.

"He hasn't opposable thumbs, you idiot." Freda snapped erotically, "For gods sake Frank, could you keep your mind out of your pants for 5 minutes?!"
"Of course I can, woman!" Frank hastily removed his hand from his crotch, where he had been enthusiastically adjusting himself, and attempted to look business-like. "Shall we go in then? Is your brother in there?"

Freda placed her hand on the door knob, and twisted, "Only one way to find out, Frank."

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Loose Ends - Chapter 19

Post by rain » Thu Sep 23, 2004 10:00 pm

Suddenly uneasy, Frank placed his hand on top of Freda’s before she could open the door. "Just a minute, Freda - I've just realised it's after five - I've really got to go."

"You what?!" Freda exclaimed in disbelief. "We've finally come to the most important part of this day and you decide that you have to leave?" She shook her hand free of Frank's grip and placed it on her hip, mirroring the position of her other hand perfectly. "You have seriously got to be joking Frank."

Frank began to fidget nervously, like a naughty schoolboy. "But, I've got plans ... I made them ages ago ... if I could change them I would, but ... I didn't know I would meet you then ..."

"If you leave now, I am seriously going to have to reconsider hiring you." Freda levelled a steely gaze at Frank, daring him to continue.

"But, Freda ..." he whined, making his eyes as large as possible and introducing a few tears to add to the effect he was aiming to create.

"No, I mean it. If you walk out now, you will not be coming back." Freda stormed at him, her hands remaining on her hips, but becoming white with tension. "There are lots of other private detectives out there who are at least as capable as you, Frank LeHorni. Make up your mind right now. We go on right now, or not at all."

Frank sighed in defeat, "Alright, alright! Can I just make a quick phone call? Then we'll go on." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a massive and very ancient mobile phone, and began dialling.

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Loose Ends - Chapter 20

Post by ejaewon » Mon Oct 25, 2004 9:31 pm

The faint ticking of a clock in a nearby room couldn't interrupt the uneasy silence that accompanied the wait for the person on the other end of the mobile to answer.

After a reasonable wait, several loud sighs and at least two instances of Freda's eyes audibly rolling, someone answered. Frank immediately turned away and plunged his left index finger into the ear opposite the one busy listening to the mobile phone, subconsciously thinking it would help drown out his voice.

“Hello? Oh, you were about to call me? Well – yes I will be late, I’m terribly sorry…”

“Oh? Pregnant? Heavens!” As the blood drained from his face, Frank’s face paled.

“Well I suppose the bloated stomach was a dead giveaway – couldn’t have just been due to the overeating!” He followed this remark with a titter. Or at least what he thought was a titter, though it may have been a chortle.

“Well, no. Umm… we both agreed this WAS a possibility what with the lack of protection…” He was still desperately trying to keep his voice down, but of course Freda could hear every word clearly.

“Yes, mother, mistakes were made… Yes, alcohol was a factor of course...”

“Well, mum, I really think we should take steps – we can’t afford the time or the money to rear two small chi… hello? Mother? Hello?” He yanked the phone from his ear and peered blankly at the screen, while slowly a vertical crease appeared between his eyebrows, causing the space between them to narrow somewhat.

He looked up at Freda and started to mumble something about the battery when he noticed the expression on her face. He spent a few moments trying to remember what he’d done this time to cause the horrified look. “Oh!” He exclaimed, face picking yet another colour to change to – this time bright red. “Freda! No – no, no, no! Yes that was my mother, but we were talking about Bessy our pet chipmunk!”

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Loose Ends - Chapter 21

Post by rain » Fri Apr 08, 2005 3:16 pm

Freda's eyes rolled wearily - in their sockets, thankfully. "Honestly Frank, I really could not give a flying womble in hell at this point ... Are we going in to my brother's room or are you just going to stand there looking gormless?"

With an inappropriate appearance of gusto Frank strode purposefully toward the door, gripped the knob, and flung open the door.

"Oh, very manful of you Frank ..." Freda's voice dripped with irony, or perhaps it was some other sort of derogatory inflection.

Proceeding cautiously into the room "Ladies first!", Frank's trained eyes roved hither and thither, exploring ever nook and cranny, and found the room completely uninhabited. "It's empty. He's not here." Frank stated simply, clearly, and totally unnecessarily.

The room was simple in it's decor, and fairly unremarkable, except for the rancid stench of faeces and urine, piles of matted black and white fur, and claw marks from ceiling to floor.

"Here's a picture of him," Freda picked up a framed photo from a bedside table and handed it to Frank. The photo contained several young men in skiing attire.

"Which one is he?"

Freda pointed at a youth in the centre of the group. To Frank's utter surprise, although bearing a slight familial resemblance to Freda, he looked, to an astonishing degree, like one would imagine a shaved lemur would.

"Remarkable!" he exclaimed. "That's frigging amazing!"

"His hair is rather longer now, and covers his entire body ... like I said, I'm not even sure that it is him ..." Sighing, Freda sat gingerly on the edge of the putrid double bed. "Oh, Frank - find the truth for me!!"

Suddenly the room darkened, a shadowy figure filling the doorway almost entirely.

"The only thing this guy is capable of finding is, um ... wait ... I had one ... Oh yeah! The only thing this intrepid explorer is capable of finding is the summit of Mount Halfwit."

"Really, Jeeves! I think the snide comments and undercurrents of disrespect were far more appropriate than this outright rudeness!" Freda glared whimsically.

An expression of hostility arranged itself comfortably onto Jeeves visage, and with a sneer he murmered, "With all disrespect intended, get stuffed, madam."

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Chapter 22

Post by ejaewon » Fri Aug 12, 2005 11:51 pm

Open-mouthed, Freda gasped. Eyes wide open, Frank goggled.

"How dare you, Jeeves!" She deftly yanked a baseball bat from somewhere Frank didn't dare believe was possible, and advanced upon Jeeves.

"I think not, you shameless hussy." He produced a rather large revolver and with his expression carefully maintaining its hostility, pointed it vaguely in their direction. Freda hesitated, her bat wavered.

"Jeeves? What are you doing? You've always welcomed my motherly bashings – are you ill?"

"Madam, not only are you quite a few pence short of a full pound, you are also rather stupid. While saddened you aren't completely blind, I cannot fathom why even now you're only suspicious of what is obviously not your brother! I'm completely amazed by the murky depths of both of your stupidity! Now drop the bat, you scurvy wench!"

Speechless, Freda said nothing. The bat dropped convincingly to the ground, adding crucial impetus to Newton's somewhat dubious rantings. Eyebrows assuming the expected authoritarian position, Frank decided he'd pipe up.

"Now see here, Jeeves," was all he could muster. Jeeves hurriedly waved the gun towards Frank. "And you! Call yourself a detective? I have a pet hamster called Morris who's solved harder cases than this! If your life weren't directed solely by the jolly jellybean, you might actually make a living from this!"

Frank stopped in his tracks, unsure of his next move. "Barney, come here," rasped Jeeves. The shaven lemur bounded awkwardly towards Jeeves, hid behind his legs, and peered meekly towards the sad looking pair. A spur-winged plover in a creaky wheelchair quietly minced past the open doorway.

"Now I plan to launch into a detailed description of my evil plan, and how I intend to dispose of you both."

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Chapter 23

Post by rain » Fri May 12, 2006 11:49 am

“Of course, you could do that,” Frank interjected swiftly, “But I think it would be more appropriate for me to tell your mistress your evil plan, which of course I have had figured out since the moment I met you, Jeeves, if that is indeed your real name ...” Frank paused for a moment before continuing, hoping for maximum effect, “... which I somewhat doubt!”

Freda, somewhat against her better judgement, grasped Frank’s arm for safety, and manoeuvred him subtly between herself and the weapon Jeeves was wielding maniacally.

“Go on then, champ, give it your best shot!” Jeeves snorted derisively, then murmured in an offhand manner to the lemur at his side, “This I have GOT to hear, Barney, it should be most amusing ...”

“Well, first of all, there was the way that you couldn’t handle my car, that made me suspicious from the outset ...” Frank reached, moronically, “No genuine butler type would have trouble with a classic car.”

“Get to the so-called facts, knob-head, or I’m going to give you more ventilation holes than you’d find in a hunk of Swiss cheese.” Jeeves growled, threateningly, and wobbled the gun some more just in case either of his hostages had forgotten its presence in the several seconds that had passed since he last wobbled it.

“Actually, I don’t think the holes in Swiss cheese are for ventilation ... ” Frank began, before being pinched enthusiastically by Freda.

“What I meant to say was, ahem, that I have indeed worked out what’s going on here.”

“Get on with it then, cock-knocker!”

“Well, it’s like this.” Frank orated hesitantly, “I figured that you've been in the employ of the Whales family for many years, and that perhaps, somehow, during your employ, you discovered that Old Man Whales had neglected to allow for you in his will ...”

“And?” Jeeves interjected, “Perhaps he did, perhaps the selfish, wrinkled, smelly carbuncle of a weasel did leave me out of his will after literally thousands of years of unquestioning servitude and impeccable service. Douche! But the question is not why, Mr. LeHorni, but how ...”

“As for how, Jeeves, I think why will lead us there, inevitably.”

“For fucks sake, Frank, just spill it!” Freda wailed. “He's holding a gun on us, and witty risposte is not going to stop a bullet!”

“Damn it Freda!” Frank whispered hoarsely directly into Freda’s left ear, which typically for her species (homo sapiens sapiens) was located on the left side of her head, near the hairline, “I have no fucking idea what his dastardly plan is, or was, I’m just trying to buy us some time, you foolish, yet comely, wench!”